Fireside Friday2019-02-26T17:06:46-04:00

Fireside Friday

Most Of Your Distress

Most of your distress is caused not by what you think or feel, but how you feel about and react to what you think or feel. Sally M. Winston, PsyD and Martin N. Seif, PhD Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts [...]

That Feeling Of Urgency

That feeling of urgency that comes with an unwanted intrusive thought is a false message from your brain. Anxiety tries to convince you that intrusive thoughts have a special meaning. Part of beating anxious thinking is refusing to be taken [...]

Emotional Processing Makes It Very Clear

Emotional processing makes it very clear why avoiding the (negative) thought won’t work. Avoidance keeps you experiencing the thought as dangerous or intolerable, and that sets the stage to retriggering your amygdala. Worried Voice plays the part of the false [...]

Your Amygdala Is Just An Alarm System

…your amygdala is just an alarm system. Think of it like an infant-it has no subtlety or words-so you can’t teach it new information by using words. You have to activate fear in order to teach it that the [...]

The Need To Be Perfect – Perfectionism

Paul’s stepfather had implanted in Paul the need to be perfect – Perfectionism. Paul’s fear of failing to do things perfectly led him to postpone doing them – Procrastination. But the more Paul put things off, the more they [...]

The Charade Of The Normal Family Is…

The charade of the normal family is especially damaging to a child because it forces him to deny the validity of his own feelings and perceptions. It is almost impossible for a child to develop a strong sense of [...]

Parents Who Feel Good About Themselves …

Parents who feel good about themselves do not have to control their adult children. But the toxic parents we’ve met in this chapter operate from a deep sense of dissatisfaction with their lives and a fear of abandonment. Their [...]

Once The Controlling Parent Dies They Will Be Free

Many people believe that once the controlling parent dies they will be free, but the psychological umbilical cord reaches not only across continents but out of the grave.  I’ve seen hundreds of adults who were unflinchingly loyal to their [...]

Co-dependency Checklist

Co-dependency Checklist Solving his problems or relieving his pain is the most important thing in your life – no matter what the emotional cost to me. My good feelings depend on approval from him. I protect him from the [...]

Godlike Parents Make Rules, Make Judgments and Make Pain

Godlike parents make rules, make judgments, and make pain.  When you deify your parents, living or dead, you are agreeing to live by their version of reality.  You are accepting painful feelings as a part of your life, perhaps [...]

Your Own Denial Is Not The Only Denial

Unfortunately, your own denial is not the only denial you may have to contend with.  Your parents have denial systems of their own. When you are struggling to reconstruct the truth of your past, especially when that truth reflects [...]

As a child’s self-esteem is undermined….

As a child’s self-esteem is undermined, his dependence grows, and with it his need to believe that his parents are there to protect and provide. The only way emotional assaults or physical abuse can make sense to a child [...]

If you ever find yourself in a tight

If you ever find yourself in a tight, unanimous group, you must speak your mind, even if your team does not like it. Question tacit assumptions, even if you risk expulsion from the warm nest. And, if you lead [...]

Be on the lookout for chauffeur knowledge

Be on the lookout for chauffeur knowledge. Do not confuse the company spolesperson, the ringmaster, the newscaster, the schmoozer, the verbiage vendor, or the cliché generator with those who possess true knowledge. How do you recognize the difference? There [...]

Confirmation bias is the mother of all misconceptions

The confirmation bias is the mother of all misconceptions.  It is the tendency to interpret new information so that it becomes compatible with our existing theories, beliefs, and convictions.  In other words, we filter out any new information that [...]

Thanks to the availability bias …

Thanks to the availability bias, we travel through life with an incorrect risk map in our heads. Thus, we systematically overestimate the risk of being the victims of a plane crash, a car accident, or a murder. And we [...]

Slow Sex Simplifies

The good news is that Slow Sex simplifies things.  It throws out all expectation about what her orgasm should look like and how he/she is going to give it to her.  It takes the pressure off, for both men [...]

Dedicated to the Orgasm

This book is dedicated to the orgasm. May each of us find ours now. Nicole Daedone Slow Sex Many women do not enjoy sex and most never experience orgasm.  As a result, a woman can feel disconnected [...]

When hiding is okay…and can save your life

Recognition, identification, self-acceptance and hiding are steps that can aid in dealing with shame. It is not advisable to openly admit your shame to a destructive narcissist, and hiding may be the best strategy. Talk to someone you can [...]

What is self-shaming?

Self-shaming behaviors and attitudes occur when you discount your positive characteristics, magnify your flaws, judge yourself by unrealistic and/or undefined ideals, perceive criticism as focused on what you are rather than what you did, and feel that others are [...]

Are you depressed or full of shame?

Feeling discouraged or depressed is tied to shame. Shame about not measuring up to the expectations, or of being inadequate, incompetent, and so on, leads to feeling discouraged about your abilities and depressed about yourself. People who feel this [...]

Shame versus Guilt

Two basic responses to the destructive narcissist are feelings of shame and guilt. Shame results from the feeling and belief of being flawed and unworthy. The self is so flawed and unworthy that one can never be acceptable, and [...]

Self-protection from Mom and Dad

A protective and reinforcing strategy is to teach yourself how to not personalize your parent’s blame and other negative comments that are directed toward you. Yes, the parent does mean to blame, denigrate, and criticize you, but there is [...]

Children of the Self-Absorbed

Do not think or expect that others will perceive the parent as you do, even other members of your family. Your parent may almost always show you his grandiose side by showing an impoverished (poor me) side to others [...]

The Emotional Intelligence Workbook

EQ or EI is your emotional intelligence. If you don’t know that already then you should be the first person in the line tomorrow morning at Chapters to pick up this gem. Going through life on planet Earth without [...]

When You Feel Anxious …

When you feel anxious, ask yourself the question “What is the worst that can happen?” Does this question and it’s answers help you lower your level of anxiousness? The Anxiety Workbook for Teens - By Lisa M.Schab, LCSW [...]

Who are you looking at, huh?

Who are you looking at, huh? Who are you looking at? You think I’m afraid of you, huh? You think I’m afraid of you? You’re not so big. You’re not so tough. C’mon I dare you. C’mon I’ll destroy [...]

Toxic Parents By Susan Forward

Holy crap this one will wake you up. Forward is back and she kicks your butt in this book. Whether you read it to see your parent’s behaviours or your own as a parent, you will definitely sit up [...]

The Exhibitionistic Narcissist

"The exhibitionistic narcissist can leave you feeling diminished, weak, incompetent, and unrecognized. There are few strategies for coping with the exhibitionistic narcissist that do not involve distancing yourself from them. …..there is a need to be perceived as better [...]

The Deceptive Narcissist

"The deceptive narcissists can leave you feeling exploited, questioning yourself and others, and as lacking trust. It is unfortunate that there are few options for dealing with the deceptive narcissist. Their lies, deceit, manipulation, and need to put something [...]

The Critical Narcissist

"The critical narcissist can lead you to feeling shame, guilt, pushed away, devalued, wanting to leave, and engaging in considerable self-blame. What words trigger shame and/or guilt for you? …these are your trigger words. Knowing your triggers can help [...]

These Are Your Issues

"By far, the most difficult thing to accept is that you have personal limitations and will never be able to adequately fulfill the needy narcissist’s needs. Even if you were perfect, you would not be able to do so. [...]

One Way Street

"…you will be expected to express sympathy and empathy for everything that happens to that person, be fully with the destructive narcissist at all times because he or she is deserving. Slowly, you become aware of how often you [...]

Be A Healing Cell

"Be a healing cell in the body of humanity." - A Complaint Free World, Will Bowen

Caring A Whole Awful Lot

"Unless someone like YOU cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s NOT." - The Lorax, Dr. Seuess

Shamed to Your Core

To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed. The dynamic core of your human life is grounded in your feelings, needs and drives. When these are bound by shame, you [...]

Hell’s Definition

Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who you are.” ? John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Fear Should Move You

“He knew sometimes some fear can be good. When you are afraid things are going to get worse if you don't do something, it can prompt you into action. But it is not good when you are afraid that [...]

Our Pain Story

"Once you settle into a story about your pain, you are extremely reluctant to challenge it." - Johann Hari, Lost Connections

Invisible Acts of Power By Caroline Myss

Myss provides you with a whole new way to see and deal with your pain and health issues. She brilliantly explains medical intuitive (Kelly and Karen are medical intuitives) and energy healing (which we also both do) in detail. [...]

Striking Out in Life

Many neglected and abused children grow up to be adults who are afraid to take risks of striking out on their own. Many will remain dependent on their abusive parents and unable to separate from them. Others leave their [...]

You Cannot Win with the Self-Absorbed

Your parent is not open to your thoughts, feelings, and ideas; does not relate to or care about your feelings; does not feel a need to change anything about himself; and can become enraged that you think that he [...]

The Immensity of the Journey

Even for readers long familiar with psychic phenomena and esoteric concepts, the immensity of the journey ahead of us may be truly mind boggling. And yet, the promise is a journey that is glorious, a promise that every life has [...]

Living Unleashed

"Self-doubt is so insidious that it not only renders us stuck in our lives, but it also actually weakens our ability to dream about what living unleashed would look like.”  Danielle LaPorte, The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + [...]

When Did You Decide This?

How did you first come to have this belief? Are you happy you have kept it? What do you think might change in your life if you stopped holding this belief?Lisa M. Schab, The Anxiety Workbook for Teens [...]

The Legacy of Abuse

"Abuse decimates self-esteem. It cripples confidence and fosters self-doubt and self-hatred. People who've suffered abuse do not believe in themselves or their abilities. They do not feel entitled to good things or real love. They cling to the people [...]

Catching Feelings

Catching others’ feelings is why some people think that they have too much empathy; they are overly sensitive to others’ feelings and as a result can feel taken over, manipulated, conned, and so on. Sufficient boundary strength permits you [...]

Healing Your Emotional Self By Beverly Engel

Sometimes our inner voice wins all of the battles and the war. You don’t get a voice, or a thought, belief or choice that is entirely of your own self. Sometimes you don’t know where you begin and someone [...]

No Disinfectants Please

More than 95 percent of the world’s bacteria are harmless to humans. Many are extremely beneficial. Disinfectants have no place in a normal household. They are appropriate only if a family member is sick or the dog poops on [...]

Your Consciousness

"Your own consciousness of people in need and your response to them has the primal energy of an act of creation-you steady their spirits, give them the faith to continue and jump-start a new beginning in their life." Invisible [...]

Syncing Your Goals

"If your goals aren’t synced with the substance of your heart, then achieving them won’t matter much.” - The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide to Creating Success on Your Own Terms by Danielle LaPorte [...]

Changing Me Is Not Your Business

"So often in our relationships, we try to get the other person to behave the way we want. This forcing of our will on them will ultimately become a great strain. It can also block love. When we’re trying [...]

A Love That Awakens the Soul

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what I hope to give you forever." - The [...]

The Anger Addict and Hope

"The Anger Addict – The partners of verbal abusers know that explaining what they really said, meant, or did has never brought an apology such as “Oh, I’m so sorry to have snapped,shouted, or yelled at you. Will you [...]

A Prerequisite for Change

"People almost never change without first feeling understood.” - Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most #FiresideFriday

Preparing to Learn

"Learning that you can’t control the other person’s reaction, and that it can be destructive to try, can be incredibly liberating. It not only gives the other person the space to react however they need to, but also takes [...]

The Good Fear

"He knew sometimes some fear can be good. When you are afraid things are going to get worse if you don't do something, it can prompt you into action. But it is not good when you are afraid that it [...]

Manipulating Reality with Words

"The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words” ? David Icke, Human Race Get Off Your [...]

Reflecting Emotions

“Since the earliest period of our life was preverbal, everything depended on emotional interaction. Without someone to reflect our emotions, we had no way of knowing who we were.” ? John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You [...]

Believing in Our Own Power

"We don't need to shift our responsibilities onto the shoulders of some deified Spiritual Superman, or sit around and wait for Fate to come knocking at the door. We simply need to believe in the power that's within us, [...]

Flashbacks to Recovery

You cannot make yourself have a flashback, nor will you have one unless you are emotionally ready to remember something. Once remembered, the memory can help you to face more of the truth. You can then express your pent-up feelings [...]

Prescription Drugs

"Too often, prescribed drugs produce no clear benefit, but they are continued as though it might be better than not doing anything." - Healing Young Brains: The Neurofeedback Solution by Robert W. Hill, Phd. And Eduardo Castro, MD [...]

Instinctual Friendships

“There’s a natural instinct embedded in friendship, a sympathy that makes us willing to fight for someone we like when they are treated unjustly.” — The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Old Cues, New Routines

“Rather, to change a habit, you must keep the old cue, and deliver the old reward, but insert a new routine.” — The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Adult ADHD

"The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and since most children do not outgrow ADHD behaviour, children usually take into adulthood the worst part of the disorder, attentional problems. So the reason we have included a discussion [...]

Be The Minority

"We just urge you to quit being part of the majority who live in confusion and conflict. Join the minority that sees a clear path out of present darkness, that never submits to fear and despair, and that does [...]


"To have an out-of-body experience (an OBE) is to bring a new meaning to existence. No other phenomenon is so steeped in mystery, or so potentially empowering." - Joseph Slate author of Astral Projection for Psychic Empowerment [...]

The Soul’s Further Dimensions

In both clairvoyance and astral projection we recognize the mechanics of consciousness in which we see that whole person consisting of multiple bodies or levels; physical, etheric, lower and higher astral, mental and causal – while knowing that beyond [...]

Healing the Shame

“To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed. The dynamic core of your human life is grounded in your feelings, needs and drives. When these are bound by shame, you [...]

The Best of FiresideFriday – Love is Not Blind

“We love that you saw, know and supported the post that you made #2 for #firesidefriday : Love Is Not Blind.""What blinds people the most to controlling behavior is the belief that the person who consistently defines them truly loves [...]

The Best of Fireside Friday 2016 – End Gossip

The Best of Fireside Friday 2016 - End Gossip This one was short and sweet and it seemed to resonate quite simply with everyone. “Put an end to gossip.” – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements # firesidefridayTheBestof2016 [...]

Emotional Abuse

"With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until he or she is incapable of judging a situation realistically." Beverly Engel -- The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Don’t Make Assumptions

"Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your [...]

Simply Do Your Best

"Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret." Don Miguel Ruiz – The Four Agreements

This Is What You Did To Me

“The healing process kicks into gear with with the words "This is what you did to me." That statement is not gentle or polite; it's absolutely direct. In fact, I know that seeing it might feel like a punch in [...]

Your Rite to Relationships

“...many daughters may never have given themselves permission to even 'consider' changing the relationship with their mothers, because they didn't think they had the right to do it.” ? Susan Forward, Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

Truth vs. Truth For Now

"For the artist, the goal of the painting or musical composition is not to convey literal truth, but an aspect of a universal truth that if successful, will continue to move and to touch people even as contexts, societies and [...]

The Habit Loop

"This process within our brains is a three-step loop. First, there is a cue, a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use. Then there is the routine, which can be physical or [...]

Confusion’s Control

"Being defined backwards leaves people confused. Backwards connections arise out of the Controller's confusion and oppressive and controlling behaviours create confusion. We cannot exercise our freedom if we are confused." - Patricia Evans, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand and [...]

Habit Is No Friend of Common Sense

"Habits are powerful, but delicate. They can emerge outside our consciousness, or can be deliberately designed. They often occur without our permission, but can be reshaped by fiddling with their parts. They shape our lives far more than we realize [...]

Willpower Habits

"As people strengthened their willpower muscles in one part of their lives – in the gym, or a money management program – that strength spilled over into what they ate or how hard they worked. Once willpower became stronger, it [...]

Resetting Our Habits

"The habits that matter the most are the ones that, when they start to shift, dislodge and remake other patterns." - Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit #firesidefridays

Keynote Habits

"Keynote habits say that success doesn’t depend on getting every single thing right, but instead relies on identifying a few keynote priorities and fashioning them into powerful levers."" - Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit


"If the spell cannot be broken, if you are with a spellbound person who will not change; your spiritual, if not your physical survival may depend upon your escaping." - Patricia Evans, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand and Deal [...]

Distress and Discord Explained

"The distress and discord that permeate the lives of millions are clear messages meant to tell us something. Just as a searing physical pain says something is wrong, so, too, does the psychic pain that floats through the world. Whatever [...]

Love Is Not Blind

"What blinds people the most to controlling behavior is the belief that the person who consistently defines them truly loves them." - Patricia Evans, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand and Deal with People who try to Control You


"Some people have not learned to know what their feelings mean. Some have been trained not to feel much. And some have been trained not to know that they have feelings." Patricia Evans, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand and [...]

Save Yourself

"Because of your low self-esteem, you, like many other survivors of emotional abuse or deprivation, have probably searched for something outside of yourself for a sense of completion and a sense of being worthwhile. You may have looked to romantic [...]

An Idea About Rejection

“We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as [...]

Locus of Control

"Do you feel that your life is dependent more on the choices other people make than on your own?" - Caroline Myss, Invisible Acts of Power #firesidefriday


"Is there a choice you need to make at this time in your life that you fear?" - Caroline Myss, Invisible Acts of Power

Consequences of Compassion

"There is no such thing as a simple act of compassion or an inconsequential act of service. Everything we do for another person has infinite consequences." - Caroline Myss, Invisible Acts of Power #firesidefriday

The Weight of A Belief

“In an instant the weight of her own beliefs began to crush her.”                         - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Toltec Art of Life and Death   #firesidefriday


“You press your internal mute button, power off your schemas, and take a full, unexasperated breath. If appropriate, you masterfully hold the narcissist accountable, or you move on. Where, formerly, your “noisy” mind would have had you feeling flustered, furious, [...]

End Gossip

"Put an end to gossip." - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements # firesidefriday

The Book List

The Verbally Abusive Relationship – Patricia Evans
Codependent No More – Melody Beattie
Controlling People – Patricia Evans
The Nice Girl Syndrome – Beverly Engel
Healing Your Emotional Self Beverly Engel
Loving Him without Losing You – Beverly Engel
Disarming the Narcissist – Wendy Behary
Mothers Who Cannot Love – Susan Forward
Children of the Self Absorbed – Nina W Brown
Children of the AGING Self Absorbed – Nina W Brown
Coping with Infuriating, Mean, Critical People – Nina W Brown
Coping with Your Partner’s Jealousy – Nina W Brown
Toxic Parents – Susan Forward
Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves – David Stoop
When the Body Says No – Gabor Mate
Scattered Minds – Gabor Mate
Gut – Guilia Enders
Living with Someone who is Living with Bipolar Disorder – Chelsea Lowe and Bruce Cohen